And Now, A Personal Plea

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Hello,

I’d like to take a moment to discuss a scary personal issue affecting members of my family. I’d like to talk about … Phantom Vag.

Phantom Vag is an uncommon, but serious affliction, targeting those who just don’t give a sparkling pony’s diarrheatic fart about the Twilight or the new movie, Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (the threat that there are more is insidious), yet are forced to endure manufactured media hype as if it mattered to anyone that came through their adolescent years with a healthy sense of reality. It causes a tingling in the nethers and a sudden strong urge to choose sides in an imaginary conflict where the “winner” (a young, very naive girl) gets impregnated with an unspeakable demon which goes on to break its mother spine and claws its way out at birth.

(and they call me twisted)

It could be affecting someone you know and love.

It … it could be you.

Won’t you please give, so that we may fight the scourge of these books and films? Just a dollar a day is all it takes, and we can lobotomize these patrons who cannot seem to help themselves to blankets, pillow cases, and  midnight showings, and re-release them to countries where they can make shoes and clothes for Walmart. They want to be productive members of society, they just don’t know how.

Please give. *sad, hopeful eyes*