How to Make Coffee

I wrote this and it’s taped over the coffee maker in the common area. Out of the 8 people that wander up to drink coffee, I’m one of 2 that actually bother to make it.  The most common complaint was they they didn’t know how, so I created a WORK INSTRUCTION on how to make coffee with the percolator.

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No one actually reads it, so I present it to you.

How to make coffee

  • Coffee is individually provided for all to share. Don’t see something you like, you can buy whole beans at almost any grocery store or roaster have them Coarse Ground using the in-store grinder. Regular pre-ground coffee works, too, as long as you use the Silver percolator. You don’t get to complain about coffee you didn’t buy or contribute towards.
    • The Coffee is Free, but if you feel guilty, pop a few pennies in the Skull over the Maker. The Skull Sees ALL.
    • We don’t care about your nut allergies.
    • Don’t buy decaf. We will know and we will find you.
    • Creamers (dry or liquid) are welcome contributions so long as they don’t need refrigeration (except what I bring in because reasons).
    • The flavor of the coffee bought and made is at the whim of the buyer and maker. Enjoy the feeling of Ultimate Power!
  • There are two coffee makers: The 10-cup White Corning and the 12-cup Silver Faberware.
    • Folks tend to like the 12-Cup Faberware because there are less grounds in the coffee and it brews (relatively) faster. The trade off is it doesn’t stay hot.
    • For smaller amounts, try to use the White Corning, but temper your dominion with mercy.
    • You don’t have to make both pots of coffee unless you’re planning to serve the entire floor.
    • Do not serve the entire floor.
  • You will have to haul the entire pot down to the kitchen to both clean the pot of grounds and for water. Don’t use Bathroom Water. Every Six Year Old Knows This. If you lack upper body strength to lift the pots, find an adult.
    • Leave the heavy metal heating element in White Corning maker when you fill with water. That’s the round heavy metal thing that sits on the bottom and attached to the side. Leave it.
    • Use COLD water. The round heavy thing in the White Corning and the entire bottom of the Silver Faberware gauge the temperature and using hot water initially will greatly reduce the brewing time.
    • Filling the pot with hot water might make it brew faster, but you may as well save time and drink the kitchen coffee. It tastes like sadness.
  • I shouldn’t have to tell you to remove the metal filter baskets first, but here we are.
    • For the White Corning, press down on the basket and unhook it from the lip to remove. The metal post unscrews from the basket so you can set the basket on a flat surface to fill with grounds.
    • For the Silver Faberware, lift the basket and post out (I’m sorry it’s not easier).
      • The Silver Faberware can make up to 12 cups. The line is on the inside on the handle side. You can see it in the light if you tilt it just right and dance a few bars of the Tennessee Waltz. If you stick your finger in to feel the notch as the water rises, please don’t tell us.
    • The White Corning can make up to 10 cups but don’t make less than 6 Cups  (3 Scoops of Coffee and water up to the 6 line).
      • Remember – it’s only (6) 1965 cups of coffee, but our mugs are twice as large so 6 Cups equals about 3-4ish mugs.
      • Don’t make more than 10. You are not more clever than the people at Corning.
  • There are little paper filter disks in the Skeleton Box to place at the bottom of the metal baskets. The bag even has instructions. Use them if you like. They absolutely cut down on the flotsam in the finished coffee.
    • For the White Corning, using the Red Coffee Scoop, put 5 scoops of coffee into the metal filter basket.
    • For the Silver Faberware, pour 2/3 Cup of grounds into the pilfered measuring cup (or Six Scoops – I was trying to make it easier, but you know – math). Shake the basket gently over the garbage can to set free any very fine grounds. Don’t leave the scoop in the coffee bag. Not everyone enjoys Chocolate Raspberry, nor will they bother to look in every coffee bag to find it. I know you people, hence Work Instructions on How To Make Coffee.
  • Replace the metal lid on the filter basket, screw in the post (White Corning) and insert into the maker.
    • The White Corning is a screw post, as opposed to the gentle slide of the Silver Faberware (make your own jokes). Press down on the basket so it fits under the lip of the maker.
    • If it doesn’t slide down to go under the lip, give the post a twist and there should be a little give as the post slides. This is not a new move for most of us.
  • Plug in the maker. The White Corning needs to be placed it on the trivet my nephew made me or you will kill us all.
  • It will take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to complete the brew cycle. This is how a percolator works. You can look it up on Wikipedia if you’re curious. If you think it’s talking too long, there’s coffee in the kitchen. Enjoy the swill.
  • When it stops making perking noises and the red light is on (White Corning), it’s done, however, give it another few minutes to settle. If you can unplug the maker when it’s done (the coffee may stay hot for maybe an hour), then people will assume no coffee is made.
  • THIS COFFEE WILL BE HOT. Coffee made in the White Corning will maintain its internal temperature until you unplug it.The Silver Faberware has a shut off after an hour but manages to keep it tepid.
  • THIS COFFEE WILL HAVE GROUNDS. If it was good enough for Grandmother Bethesda, it’s good enough for us.
  • Please remember to unplug it when the coffee is gone and at the end of the day. This isn’t 1965 and neither my trivet nor the back filing cabinet is made from asbestos.
  • At the End of the Day, or after the coffee is gone, take the remaining regular Coffeemate to the refrigerator, rinse out the maker, and empty the filter basket in the trash.
    • If you empty the grounds over the sink JoAnne will have a fit
    • If we lose our coffee maker over it, I will find you.
    • Replace the maker on the trivet, nicely rinsed and wiped out for the next use. Coffee is generally made before 9am and around 3pm, but if I’m not here, I don’t care when you make it.
  • If it’s not made, offer to make it.

  • Don’t be part of the problem.

Pretty straightforward, don’t you think?